I am wondering if I married my soulmate...or if I settled for someone who just liked me...and knew I would have babies for him....Am I wasting my time - Have I wasted 15 years?
My friend Ginny just found out that after 17 years her husband has been calling another woman...their cell phone bill went up..way up. He spent 36 hours talking to this woman in a month.
I always pictured myself with a man who would take care of me, love me, support me, let me lean on him and not have me take care of everything. I find myself doing all the "taking care of". I'm sick of it. I find myself wanting to find someone else who will do this....at least for a little while to see what it would be like.
I find myself wondering why people look to people who are not in their circle to talk to. Whether this man had an intimate relationship with this woman is beside the point. Just the fact that he was spending his time calling her and not talking with his own wife makes me wonder.....what the hell are relationships about? I don't want to be with someone who bitches at me all the time, who makes me feel like I do nothing...I work 10 hour days, and do typing on the side for another doctor, I'm the one asking for advances from my paychecks to cover our bills (embarrass myself)....while he does nothing to help. I don't want to do this anymore. I can do better on my own - even if it's living in a craphole. On the other hand, I love the way he is with the girls. He's a great dad, but he leaves all the discipline to me. I'm always the bad guy. I need a fricking MAN. I want him to step up, go to work - work all the hours he can to get us out of this damn mess, help me with the plans we have, not tell the girls I'll take them swimming when I get home for lunch and not taking it into consideration that I already had chores to do on my lunch hour. He told them I would take them swimming when the dog had an appt to get her stitches out from her operation. He just takes it for granted I'll do all the shit work...whatever he can't/won't do. Right now I know it sounds like I don't like him...right now I don't. He pisses me off. He drinks way too much. He is an asshole to me when he does. I don't want it ... and I don't need it and I certainly don't want my girls to grow up with this shit anymore. Is it too late? How the hell do I get out of it? I can't afford financially to get out. What the hell do I do? And do I really want too? Am I just pissed right now? He doesn't even know I am....I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate him...I love him. Which one is more? The hate? I think so. But how can I just throw away all these years I've invested in him? And how can I put my girls through any stress because I'm not happy? I think I'll just suffer for the next 8 years til the baby is out of school and then start living my own life. If anyone has any better ideas, let me know. I'm open to suggestion.
